When you don't want to parent....

I took the kids on a field trip today. Because I wanted a nomination for Parent of the Year. I will and do, totally buy their love.

We went to the hell that is Chuck E cheese. It seems to me that "Chuck" is the name of Satan's other son. Think about it, when we puke, we "up-chuck." A little psycho doll name "Chuckie" ring any bells? Charles Manson, I'm sure was known as "Chuck" as a kid and well, we all know how he turned out. And lastly, we have Chuck E Cheese. The armpit of hell. Moral of the story, when picking names, choose Fred. It's safe.

I waited while the 18 year old girl complained about how many people they had on staff that day. As if the payroll matters to her. She forgot my tokens and acted like I asked her to paint the Sistine Chapel when I asked for them. My children then happily waited for pizza, because if anything I only let them play after they eat. That way all the grubby bacteria that is slathered on every surface will be only slightly ingested. I have standards. They chowed down the cardboard waste on our table and off we went.

I know Chuck E Cheese is fairly safe, but in the end my kids are solely my responsibility. So it amazed the ever lovin snot out of me to see several first steppers on their own, getting ran over and no parents. Barely one, getting smacked by running kids and pinching fingers on jet skis. Insane.

Someone let in the scantily clad 14 year old sister and friend, her shorts shorter than my thong, and shirt higher than her belly button. A little skin never hurt nobody has always been my motto, but when you're 14, your skin is as new as a newborn hiney and should be covered up. For reals. And her friends shoes, 3 inch heels, in Chuck E frickin Cheese. It was a scene out of Chuck E does Las Vegas.

Baloney was in this ferris wheel do hickey, and Little Lucy Snotface decided to try and grab Baloney's seatbealt as she passed by. Telling her she was all done. 5 year olds are no match for me. I took great delight in putting another token in the ride so Baloney could ride some more, and a 3rd time. Yes, I am a playground bully.

During all of this, Middle's tooth was wiggling. It had been loose, and by the end of lunch, it was doing somersaults and back flips. She and Oldielocks went potty, and she came running out with a bloodied paper towel and yelling "Look, Mom!!!" Of course every mother in the place whipped their heads around to be greeted by a a gummy smile with blood dripping down her face. The looks I got- you would have thought my kid had ripped out her heart and eaten it. It was only a tooth and someone will be rich tonight.

Then I hit the mother load. In the middle of this hellhole was a contraption. Someone had brought a walker. A circa 1992 bright green, screaming purple and hot pink Kolcraft walker. The 90's had puked it up and it landed in Chuck E cheese. Inside was a baby rolling around, BAREFOOT on the nasty petri dish they call a floor.

I took them there. Willingly. I am so winning Mother of the Year.