Tales of a two-toned Mama

My great grandparents, or even my grandparents, or even my parents have some American Indian blood running through them. Which can be a fabulous trait because my Indian half beats up and scalps my European half and I end up with bronze skin, every summer. Or since I live in the Golden state, all the time. When I was young and vain, I would march my bikini clad, golden skin self to the beach every chance I could get and know that I was looking every bit like a California Girl. Now I am old and vain, I find about 7000 hurdles in my way and I'm kind of upset about it.

I had 3 kids. And worked hard to get all that stupid baby weight off. And I can call it stupid baby weight because seriously, what.the.hell Mother Nature?!?!?! I don't see Cows or Dogs or Monkeys laying around with their offspring all grown and eaten or whatever lamenting about their bodies. Nope, even cows bounce back pretty nicely. So why human moms, can't we catch a break? However I do find justice in the fact that I have seen some gnarly feed bags dangling of animals so at least that's one thing Mother Nature decided all females would get.

So I sweated my ass off, literally to get rid of my butt and my butt front. If you have ever wondered what a vertical c-section scar does to your body, it ain't pretty. It ends up looking like a butt in the middle of your abs.... and not a toned butt, but a saggy, wrinkly nasty butt. So Jillian Michaels and I worked out every day to say sayonara to the butt front.

My troubles should be over right? I mean, I'm fit, toned......
and two different shades of color.


I look like I am wearing a flesh color wrestling unitard.

Look at my feet.
Well don't look at the second toe bigger than the big toe.
Just check out the tan lines.


See the tan lines? It's my own suggestive way of letting the world know that there is more like that, just up higher. Oo baby. From mid thigh to my boobs. Looking like a two toned buick. From 1972.
Look. I have frog feet. Ok not really. That looks gross. What's really gross is the shadow of my hair? Is that a horn?

I took the kids to the pool. And got undressed and bared all of my checkerboard self to the moms of the world. I swear every mom was wondering why I look like I lay out in a wet suit. Or why I was farmer leg tanning it. Or if I told anyone I was half Pocahontas Sacagawaea, they would stare at me and nod in agreement. And probably ask if I was actually 3/4, staring directly at my white butt front papoose hanging around my middle.

Sunless tanner, come to momma.