(Part 2) My placenta is hanging out with who and where?

SO let's get the basics down.



What is placenta previa and why is it going to suck the fun out of my pregnancy?

Placenta previa is where the placenta is in the wrong spot. Instead of being anywhere else, it is dangerously near or over the exit route. Like the elevator isn't working, gonna have to take the stairs and bust out the side door. Which of course we all learned in 5th grade, there is only ONE very disgusting way for a baby to drop out of your body. We all swore up and down that we would never have kids, and yet here we are. All because of boys. Boys are gross. Because of some boy, somewhere, you now have a placenta in your body, along with a baby. That is normal and fine and joyous. Until your placenta decides it's lazy and wants to be a doormat for baby to wipe it's head or feet on. Then it's a problem, and goes back to being all because of a boy. It's simple science really.



Most people have a placenta that is on the back, front, top, side, and then there are those of us that find they have the rebel placenta. Complete in black leather and metal studs. The only problem is if it doesn't move out of tha way. it's going to cause problems. Good news, most of them scurry up as your belly grows and nothing to worry about. Those of you who get stuck with the little rebel cow of placenta like mine was, it plants its feet firmly, throws a fit and doesn't budge. Those are the COMPLETE placenta previa achievers.

With Complete Placenta Previa, you get slapped with a host of rules and a prison sentence. Pelvic rest, no lifting more than 10 pounds, take it easy, no strenuous activity. Sounds like the life of a princess..... until they say scary shit like...."call if you have bleeding, call an ambulance because you will bleed to death, and you are bedrest in a hospital so we can have you in surgery in less than 5 minutes." In those scenarios, you will gladly hand back the damn tiara and scream to get off this ride. One of those open mouth dream screams that no one can hear. Scary scary scary shit. Poltergeist and Lady Gaga now seem harmless in this scary movie.

They don't know what causes it. Some say multiple pregnancies. I was on baby number three. I never heard of the old mother who lived in the shoe, who had so many children she didn't know what to do- having placenta previa. Some say maternal age. I was 27/28. Some say crackhead...and well, that wasn't me either. I'm sure there is many a documented crack head that the least of their worries is placenta previa. So, I wish they would just say they don't know and it's the luck of the draw. Because it would help a million during the lonely times that you want to curl in a ball as you watch all the other pregnant ladies doing stuff like.... walking. Remember, IT"S NOT YOU! It's definitely that punk ass placenta that hates it's name so it's rebelling.

The plan of action to correct it is....... a c section. Since parking downtown is blocked, you have to get a garage put in. And we will discuss the complications during that later. This really is a serious subject, but I'm trying to get one point across that I've learned. If I don't laugh, I'll cry.

That's Complete Placenta Previa. And here's what happened to me.......