and he arrived

It had been planned for me to walk in those hospital doors on a Monday morning and pop out a baby. Being the fourth child I was having, it was weird that it didn't feel like it was real. The first two, I was in labor, no going back, baby was coming whether I liked it or not. The third, was a c-section, planned. But this.... this was my first induction, while attempting a VBAC- since I clearly love a challenge, why not do it this way.

I am all set, walking into the hospy in my shorts and tank top, get to my fabulous pop-a-baby-out suite, when the nurse informs me they have no wifi. HUH! Who doesn't have wifi! I of course have to tell her that my viewers will be disappointed in the fact that I will no longer be streaming the live feed of my son's birth, complete with chewing through the cord and placenta shooters at the end. I believe she gave me the mother of all WTF looks. Success!

Because of the fact that I have a previous scar from my c-section, they decided to start pitocin, a low dose. I guess you can go up to 26 on the pitocin elevator, but in my case, we were going to.....4. I like them playing it safe. Previously at my doc appt I had been 2 cm dilated, she checked me and I was a 1....almost 1 and a 1/2. Seriously, what the backpeddling up my cervix? How, why... what! SO now I had 9 cms to go. It's like starting a 26 mile race, 27 miles away.

Around 11, they started the IV for fluid and pitocin. But she blew the vein on the first try. ANd then the second try, there was too much scar tissue. Thats right, I have scar tissue on the sides of my wrists. I think she might have thought I was a crack addict. Who has scar tissue like that... but me. She was kind enough to be a quitter and call a different nurse in. Of course they all told me I had beautiful veins. Well unless this was a damn blood taking contest, beautiful veins were getting me nowhere and I would have appreciated a trohpy and a crown. Or a big fat margarita because this was hurting. Nurse #2 blew the next vein. I tried to walk out the door on that note but the assless gown stopped me from traveling far. Nurse #3 got one in on the first try. I think I proposed to her after that. Being a voo doo doll was not a good way or sign to start my final birthing experience.

Within an hour or so, my water broke. I was laying in bed, actually sleeping, when the slimy sensation hit. Never having my water break on its own before, I was a little surprised, and disgusted. Because now, in order to use the bathroom, I had to unplug the monitors, drape them over my neck, unplug the pressure cuff, let it fall down to my wrist like a stylin bracelet, grab my iv pole and tubes, hold up my chucky pad like a diaper and waddle my big ol belly to the bathroom. I was constantly sporting a sweat 'stache every time I got out. Jillian Michaels be jealous.

My contractions were all in my back, and never in the front. I was way more comfortable standing up until.... lightning bolts started shooting down my legs. Really? My whole body needed to get some points on the pain scale? My thighs would burn as the contraction released, and all I could think of was that my wiring was wrong, and I would find out at 33 that my hip bone was connected to my uterus bone. (and I would also be the first person to have a uterus bone)

I then commited the crunchy mother cardinal sin- I asked... more liked pleaded... for an epidural. I was dead set against it. Not because a bunch of moms on some internet board said not to, but because I had one before and HATED it. I told them when I walked in the doors that the whole needle in the back was not my style, I was more like shoot-em-up-between-the-toes-so-no-one-knows kind of gal. (disregard that last comment, it's not true, just funny..don't go callin CPS on me)

Dr. Epidural came in and we became friends once he started cracking one liners. Until he had my curl over like a cat, and kept telling me to curl more. I think he forgot that I had a basketball in the way and that was about curled as this pissed off cat was going to get. Meanwhile these radioactive contractions were rollin down the pike about every minute and a half and I swear when he inserted the needle, that's when the mother of all contractions would hit. Didn't happen that way, just my over active imagination at it's finest. I realize no one would give me a cookie or star or tiara for going without meds, or for having a c-section. I did what worked for me, with this kid. I learned long ago that medical intervention can be necessary, and can be voluntary. I chose this and hands down would do it again. Read on for why my va jay jay- er I mean-I am so glad I had an epidural.

That glorious stuff started working right away. They showed me a little pain pump I was going to get to push and everything. I was excited until the nurse checked me and I was at four. 4! That.is.all? It is now past 6 o clock, but really only 4? I could cry.

The burning started. Intense, strange burning in my kookaracha. Like someone cut me with a million knives and then threw a habanero pepper doused in salsa up there. I looked at the nurse and asked her exactly what was burning... and why I could feel it? Seeing how I had that special wonder drug dripping in my back, uh...wtf monday? She said it was normal, but then I said it was worse.... then she said she'd check me again and she did.

And within 15 minutes my bidness had burned rubber from 4cm to 8cm....and so she double checked and I was at 9. She flew out the door ( just like the freight train that was barreling down out of my junk) to go find the doctor. Meanwhile that burning? It was only a slight hint of what was to come.

She came back in and I was complete, pretty much 4 to 10 in about 20-25 minutes with a small anterior lip. That they wanted to see if I could push out of the way. SO I muscled up the ol body and started pushing.... and pushing... and pushing. It felt like nothing was happening except for that I might be trying to give birth out of my sASS -minus the s of course.

At this point the pain is intense and the pressure is beyond unreal. All this, with that epidural? I tried resting, I tried pushing, nothing was helping and I was losing it. I am not proud of the words the may or may not have come out of my mouth. The nurse then tells me that she can see about a 50cent piece of his head. THAT'S ALL? Talk about my hopes being dashed. Thats defeat. I threw in the towel, surrendered and pretty much tried to sell my first born and then all 3 of my kids for a c-section.

Unrelenting pain. No more contractions, it was constant pain. I saw the doctor walk in and said something along the lines of "get this baby out of me now i am dying please just get him out". I was so over this and yet I had to just get mad and find a way to push past this volcano I was giving birth to.

I pushed 3 times through the depths of hell, and out he came, not bloody, not covered in white, just perfectly watery. They placed him on my chest... and I saw this big cone on the front of his head. He had been sunny side up,or posterior, but was in the process of turning so he pretty much came out half sideways and all. Annnnnnd that's why it hurt so bad. I was tempted to name him Mack, after the MACK truck that came from within my body. This is the part where I should feel relief and enjoy my baby. Yet I tried and it was still unbelievably painful pressure. My nerves were still reacting to being stretched at the speed of light. I cannot even imagine how bad it would have felt without drugs. I had my second kiddo au naturel and it was heaven compared to this. I have such a high pain tolerance but I swear I was being PUNKD by the epidural company or something. My most favorite part was when the doctor told me that I didnt even tear. Something good to focus on as my bottom half slowly started to calm down and stop being so angry at the world.

My boy.

He had very little hair, and little floppy ears and a button nose. He looked at me and my heart just grew. It grew until it almost burst, as he laid there just looking at my face. For so many months it was him and I, and I wondered what he looked like. Wondered how this would change me, the mommy of 3 beautiful girls, now a mommy to a little boy. All my heart knew at that very moment was that I was complete. I had my little family of amazing kids and this one, this one that always hid his face on ultrasounds, who was breech, who came via VBAC, and this one who when I thought I just couldn't do it, made me want to give a little more just so I could have this little boy in my arms. He is my littlest blessing.

Groundhog day

Every day for the past few weeks have been groundhog day. Where I wake up and pee, take care of kids, wonder if this baby will be here today, pretend, plead, bribe, whine, beg, and ask if this baby would please, please, please come out and play. Convince myself that today is not the day, but throw on my walking shoes just to make sure that the only reason he is not here is simply not because I chose not to walk him out. All I've got to show for weeks of walking is gnarly shoe stank, sore feet and an aching nether region. The same nether region that he is thumbing his nose at and laughing at. I swear he is in there, feet and arms braced on the sides of my uterus, hanging along the wall like spiderman, laughing hysterically.

Then at night, I get in bed and lather that belly with lotion because if I have to suffer through acid reflux, aches and pains and graying hair, I will do everything in my power to have my stomach not turn into a hard boiled egg that has been dropped a million of times. Cuz we all know what happened to Humpty Dumpty. Someone had to put his roly poly butt back together again. I'm not feelin that.

I then wake up and lather, rinse, repeat.

Groundhog day, you suck.

Part 5- the story continues....

Besides the stupied mesh underwear they give you catching on my vertical incision (think belly button to pubic bone), my recovery was fine. Baloney was fine. She was and still is the biggest goof off ever. She has to be. Her story makes it so. She tried to get us to laugh long before she could talk, long before she was born.

They say you can have more children. That once you have CPP, you only have around a 4% chance more of having it than someone who has never had it. Not bad odds. At first, it seems like you will never want to, having just been traumatized by the amusement park that is complete placenta previa. Along the way I've joined message boards, and just relayed my story to other moms going through it. I think it's important to share what you know. Whether it's the facts or the feelings.

And now, 4 years later......
Baloney gets to be a big sister. She still gets to have her very own crazy story, because......

this placenta, this time..... is high on the left back wall.

Part 4- It's go time.

Of course, since none of this journey was uneventful, the 4th day we were there, my Middle fell off the seat and hit her head on the dresser. In the hospital room. Since it was a head wound, of course blood rushed everywhere, and I completely forgot I was to be in that hellacious bed and jumped up, getting ready to scoop up my bleeding baby. My husband ran, yelling at me, and grabbed her as we tried to stop the bleeding. No rules apply to the inner call of mommy. I told him to tell the nurses to get me a wheelchair because I was going down the E.R. with her and they could either let me wheel or down or I was walking but I was going, no matter what. When all was said and done, she got a staple in her head and was fine.

After 2 amnios, 3 scheduled c-section dates and 3 bleeds, complete with blood draws, IV ports, 4 NST's a day, we made it to the big day. Her lungs were grossly immature the first time around, so they pushed it. I'm glad they did, and at the same time hated it.

Here's where I give you the nitty gritty. To get ready for the big C... they have to shave your business. And apparently they have to use the crappiest razor ever made. And it's kind of like water torture. Worst part, is that it's someones job. Ew. I also had my arm numbed where they had to put in a large line for blood. (this is for placenta previa since blood loss is a huge part of what could happen during delivery)

When we got downstairs, they gave me a shot glass of port a potty sludge. Seriously disgusting. And looks like it. Seeing how they withold drinks and food since the night before, and this is what they offer? Disappointing service from the bar indeed. They also had a little red igloo cooler filled with bags of blood. Just in case they needed it. Remember blood loss for placenta previa, it's not typical that they carry around coolers of blood, just for you.

I got in that OR, got a spinal in my back, and flipped back onto the tiniest board in the planet. Definatley not an "one-butt-cheek-fits-all" kind of table.

The rest of the surgery is kind of surreal. I felt the cutting... not the pain, but could feel the pressure and movement. Like being drawn on. It was creepy and about sent me into a thousand panic attacks. My head was in the anesthesiologists crotch, my arms were strapped down, open like on a cross, oxygen in my nose, an IV in both arms, blood pressure cuff. I was feeling like a hot mess and really bad science experiment. I contemplated calling Frankenstein and saying "dude, I know how you feel...".

They told me I would feel pressure, and then I heard her. She cried and I stared at the ceiling. Then she stopped and I asked if they had taken her out of the room. Nope she was there, just relaxing while they checked her out. They had told me if they asked my husband to leave, that meant things were going badly. As in bleeding. As in hysterectomy or worse. I kept glancing at my husband and asked him to go take a picture of her, so I could see her. They had not lifted her up, but I understood they needed to be quick in doing their job. It was a long few minutes while they worked, while he was taking pictures, and then showed them to me on the LCD screen of the camera. And then, I realize they were joking. With my husband about golf and chinese food as they stapled my stomach back up 25 times. It was all so fitting. We laughed our way in, and laughed our way out.

In recovery, I held her, and they plopped a huge orange trashbag on my feet. "It's your placenta. We're sending it out, but we always do." If I could have moved my feet, I would have kicked it. And punched it. And thanked it for holding on the way it did, even though it was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

We did it, her and I. From the moment they mentioned stupid Complete Placenta Previa, to every shot, test, every worry, every sacrifice, had all come down to this. She was there. Perfect. With dark hair and long nails. In that moment I realized I was so much stronger than I knew, that my husband was and always will be there for me, my kids are resilient, and there are a lot of kind and caring people in this world.

Part 3- Placenta Previa is now a bad word

In Dec. of 2005, I went in for my first prenatal appointment, and of course they do an internal ultrasound. Because those are an absolute highlight. Of course seeing the little bean distracts you from the absolute ridiculousness that is taking place below the belt, but still, it sucks. The Dr. at that point mentioned the placenta looked a little low, but it was no big thing, they move.

Pregnancy was textbook, NO SYMPTOMS at all, mainly with Placenta previa, bleeding is a big sign. I had none and then went for my 20 week ultrasound. I remember the sonographer measuring my cervix and mentioning something about the placenta. Honestly, I have no idea what she said, I was oohing and ahhing over my little alien baby on the screen. Once I went back to the room with the doctor, he then said that I had a complete placenta previa and I had a 50% chance of a c-section. No doom and gloom talk, just basic and a list of restrictions.

By week 28, he was a little frantic. Then came the serious sit down talk. Where he scared the bejeebus out of me and pretty much led me to believe I was going to be massacred by this damn placenta. I still had no complications or symptoms, but he had a plan in effect.

Csection at 36 weeks
Steroids for lung maturity
911 call if any blood.
complete bedrest at 32 weeks.
and under no circumstance to let anything/person/doctor enter my nether regions. Pretty much an invisible chastity belt.

And that's just to get to delivery. The delivery is what's scary

So I followed the plan like a fat girl on the biggest loser. I was going to follow every.single.rule to the letter.

Got the steroids, went on bedrest, and at 33 weeks, wiped and there was pink twinge on the t.p. Having spent MONTHS looking every time I wiped, it had arrived. I called the doctors and they said go to the hospital. Of course, in all my wiseness, I questioned it and said, but it was just a twinge, it's more pink..." and was sharply barked at with a "go now!"

And so I went. I did not know as I drove down the street at 10:30 at night that I would not leave that hospital for the next 5+ weeks. They concluded that it was necessary I stay there, because of the probability of bleeding to death in the time it would take me to get to the hospital if I had a bleed at home. And the funny thing, nothing really amounted to that smalls spots of blood. It stopped and I was fine.

Except for i wasn't fine. My babies were at home. 6 and 3. In the middle of the night, I gave up my mom role and had to full entrust their care to grandmas and husband. Which I did, completely. But it stole a little bit of me that I couldn't just be their mom. I missed my girl's kindergarten graduation. Oh how I cried that day. I was soo proud of my smart girl and I desperately wanted to be there clapping as she smiled her toothless grin on stage. My husband took pictures, but to this day, it still makes me sad. The girls came every day, an played in my room, at the foot of my bed. We would go on wheelchair rides. I was not allowed to walk out of the doors of my room. They brought board games and movies. And yummy food so I didn't have to eat hospital food all the time.

Now in the hospital, the nurses try. They have a little white board that celebrates each and every day you get closer to your goal. Sweetest hearts I ever met.They were my new BFF's. I would press the nurse button and they would call over the intercom, and pretend to give them my drive thru order. Cuz I am fun like that. They would come in and chat and hold your hand when you just wanted to cry.



My white board





my girls





how I spent my time at Chateau de Hospital......

(Part 2) My placenta is hanging out with who and where?

SO let's get the basics down.



What is placenta previa and why is it going to suck the fun out of my pregnancy?

Placenta previa is where the placenta is in the wrong spot. Instead of being anywhere else, it is dangerously near or over the exit route. Like the elevator isn't working, gonna have to take the stairs and bust out the side door. Which of course we all learned in 5th grade, there is only ONE very disgusting way for a baby to drop out of your body. We all swore up and down that we would never have kids, and yet here we are. All because of boys. Boys are gross. Because of some boy, somewhere, you now have a placenta in your body, along with a baby. That is normal and fine and joyous. Until your placenta decides it's lazy and wants to be a doormat for baby to wipe it's head or feet on. Then it's a problem, and goes back to being all because of a boy. It's simple science really.



Most people have a placenta that is on the back, front, top, side, and then there are those of us that find they have the rebel placenta. Complete in black leather and metal studs. The only problem is if it doesn't move out of tha way. it's going to cause problems. Good news, most of them scurry up as your belly grows and nothing to worry about. Those of you who get stuck with the little rebel cow of placenta like mine was, it plants its feet firmly, throws a fit and doesn't budge. Those are the COMPLETE placenta previa achievers.

With Complete Placenta Previa, you get slapped with a host of rules and a prison sentence. Pelvic rest, no lifting more than 10 pounds, take it easy, no strenuous activity. Sounds like the life of a princess..... until they say scary shit like...."call if you have bleeding, call an ambulance because you will bleed to death, and you are bedrest in a hospital so we can have you in surgery in less than 5 minutes." In those scenarios, you will gladly hand back the damn tiara and scream to get off this ride. One of those open mouth dream screams that no one can hear. Scary scary scary shit. Poltergeist and Lady Gaga now seem harmless in this scary movie.

They don't know what causes it. Some say multiple pregnancies. I was on baby number three. I never heard of the old mother who lived in the shoe, who had so many children she didn't know what to do- having placenta previa. Some say maternal age. I was 27/28. Some say crackhead...and well, that wasn't me either. I'm sure there is many a documented crack head that the least of their worries is placenta previa. So, I wish they would just say they don't know and it's the luck of the draw. Because it would help a million during the lonely times that you want to curl in a ball as you watch all the other pregnant ladies doing stuff like.... walking. Remember, IT"S NOT YOU! It's definitely that punk ass placenta that hates it's name so it's rebelling.

The plan of action to correct it is....... a c section. Since parking downtown is blocked, you have to get a garage put in. And we will discuss the complications during that later. This really is a serious subject, but I'm trying to get one point across that I've learned. If I don't laugh, I'll cry.

That's Complete Placenta Previa. And here's what happened to me.......

(part 1) Complete Placenta Previa

Google is our friend. This is for the people who google placenta previa. or Complete placenta previa.

You get me.

And you'll get my story.

Because nothing is scarier after you get past the first few textbook websites of what it actually is, then you drastically search for an experience.....

and a voice to tell you it's okay.
And here, I won't make you read to the end of the posts to find out that all ended well.

Because it did.
And it's okay.

And for those who have heard my story and don't care to hear it again, peace out. This isn't for you. This is for the moms that are searching for some peace and knowledge that....

they'll be scared.
they'll be upset.
they'll be sad.
they'll be worried.
they'll be nervous.
they'll be okay.