Friday, June 25, 2010

Tales of a two-toned Mama

My great grandparents, or even my grandparents, or even my parents have some American Indian blood running through them. Which can be a fabulous trait because my Indian half beats up and scalps my European half and I end up with bronze skin, every summer. Or since I live in the Golden state, all the time. When I was young and vain, I would march my bikini clad, golden skin self to the beach every chance I could get and know that I was looking every bit like a California Girl. Now I am old and vain, I find about 7000 hurdles in my way and I'm kind of upset about it.

I had 3 kids. And worked hard to get all that stupid baby weight off. And I can call it stupid baby weight because seriously, what.the.hell Mother Nature?!?!?! I don't see Cows or Dogs or Monkeys laying around with their offspring all grown and eaten or whatever lamenting about their bodies. Nope, even cows bounce back pretty nicely. So why human moms, can't we catch a break? However I do find justice in the fact that I have seen some gnarly feed bags dangling of animals so at least that's one thing Mother Nature decided all females would get.

So I sweated my ass off, literally to get rid of my butt and my butt front. If you have ever wondered what a vertical c-section scar does to your body, it ain't pretty. It ends up looking like a butt in the middle of your abs.... and not a toned butt, but a saggy, wrinkly nasty butt. So Jillian Michaels and I worked out every day to say sayonara to the butt front.

My troubles should be over right? I mean, I'm fit, toned......
and two different shades of color.

I look like I am wearing a flesh color wrestling unitard.

Look at my feet.
Well don't look at the second toe bigger than the big toe.
Just check out the tan lines.

See the tan lines? It's my own suggestive way of letting the world know that there is more like that, just up higher. Oo baby. From mid thigh to my boobs. Looking like a two toned buick. From 1972.
Look. I have frog feet. Ok not really. That looks gross. What's really gross is the shadow of my hair? Is that a horn?

I took the kids to the pool. And got undressed and bared all of my checkerboard self to the moms of the world. I swear every mom was wondering why I look like I lay out in a wet suit. Or why I was farmer leg tanning it. Or if I told anyone I was half Pocahontas Sacagawaea, they would stare at me and nod in agreement. And probably ask if I was actually 3/4, staring directly at my white butt front papoose hanging around my middle.

Sunless tanner, come to momma.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Mean streets of the S.D. suburbs

Where I live, it tends to be quiet. As in the biggest deal of the day is some young hooligans making out on the baseball bleachers or someone breaking a nail in the door of their jetta. Boring times, but that's all right with me. I'm a mile down the road the other day and well.......

I'm sitting at the light. Minding my own Cali driver business... which translates to I was talking to my three year old, playing with my ipod and chewing gum. I look to my right and see a seriously fragile old man standing on the street corner. With a skull cap and cane. Looking a little eerily like the Geezer bandit. (google it, San Diego's oldest robbing banks) He is talking to himself and waving his cane. But life is dandy, the sun is shining, and hey if you are 98 and can bust it without breaking a hip, well then go ahead and get down.

He's crossing and something across the street catches my eye. A middle age woman, wearing a sweater under a sundress, pulling an empty granny shopping cart. The eye catching part was the Laura Ingalls. Straight off the prairie and standing on the street corner. The Street Bird Ingalls starts dancing..... and lifting her dress.

My jaw drops down and I am searching left, right, front, back for the hidden camera show. I mean, Ashton was trying to punk me or something. She raises her dress to reveal a lime green retro one piece swim suit. And is twirling around. In her bonnet.

She stops. And does it again. And stops. And does it again. And by this time I am so used to the flash of green, that I almost miss my light turning green. I drive off, when I see a lady pushing a big dog in a graco stroller.....seriously..... where were the cameras because that corner funny business HAD to have been a show.... I hope.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Schools Out for Summerrrrrrr

Last day of school.

Always bittersweet. My Middle ending second grade. My Oldielocks ending 4th grade.

I always enjoy having them with me for the summer. I really do. I remember when Oldielocks was about to enter kindergarten and I though that I would die. The world would stop and everything would cease to exist as I knew it if I had to march her 5 year old self to school every day and leave her there. All day. I cried almost the entire month of August. And the first day was horrible. And by the second I noticed the world hadn't stopped. And by day 5 it was Saturday and I was thinking about when she would go back.

My kids fight. Down and dirty. Loud and screechy. They are girls in every term of VOCAL. So hell-to-the-yes I have moments.. okay... days..... where I wish I could drop them off at school and laugh manically "see ya Suckas!" This mama ain't gonna lie. But I truly enjoy my babies.

So I pulled out the rainbow cake. This Cake. The one that tried to make me bow to that damn Martha Stewart, wearing a cloak of failure. This year, I told that cake to kick rocks, that THIS WAS GOING TO BE MY RAINBOW CAKE WINNER OF THE YEAR!!!

Until I realized that in my conceited oversight... I may have not bought enough frosting.

See Exhibit A? Nothing. White? um... not really.

Damn rainbow cake. So I did what I would normally do.

Told the rainbow cake to shut it's frosting begging mouth and spread the frosting thin. And what showed through on the outside, I threw a handful of little sprinkles on the side and pretended like it was supposed to be transparent frosting. I'm a good faker like that.

So goodbye 2009-2010 school year. Thank you for taking my little scared second grader and turning her into a confident sweet third grader. Thanks for taking my quiet 4th grader and turning her into a responsible amazing 5th grader.

And Rainbow Cake of 2011-----Bring it. I'll be ready for you.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Days of Strawberries..... and cake

One of these days, I will live in an old house with a rambling yard where I will grow a row or two of strawberries. And I will get my June Cleaver Pollyana self out there and happily pick them by the colander full. Complete with adorable apron.

But for now, I will pay the ghastly amount of $15 dollars a bucket to trudge in the fields with my little family and make some memories, goll darnit! At least we had sunny skies and ocean breezes. And the occasional plunge of my fingers into some moldy squishy strawberries and bugs.

We did come home and make this AMAZING cake. And by amazing I mean my stomach ached for hours afterwards after I stuffed it with this Paula Deen goodness.

Savannah Strawberry Tall Cake

Serves: 8
Cook Time: 20 Minutes

1 box of white cake mix, baked in three 8” cake pans
3 quarts strawberries, stems removed and cut in half
1/3 cup sugar
Whipped Cream:
16 ounces cream cheese, room temperature
1 cup sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
4 cups heavy cream


Place cut strawberries and 1/3 cup sugar. Stir together and place in the refrigerator until ready to assemble cake.

Mix cake mix as directed and pour into three 8” prepared cake pans. Bake just until set and slightly golden (approximately 15-20 minutes).

When cake has cooled, place cream cheese, sugar and vanilla in the bowl of a standing mixer fitted with whisk attachment. Whisk at medium-high speed until light and fluffy. Scrape down the sides of the bowl as needed. Reduce speed to low and add heavy cream in slow stream. When almost fully combined, increase speed to medium-high and beat until mixture holds stiff peaks.

To assemble cake: Place one cake layer in a large bowl or on a pedestal. Line the outer edges with a decorative row of strawberry halves. Fill the middle with some of the strawberry mixture. Top with a layer of the whipped cream mixture. Repeat one more layer. For the third and final layer place last cake on the other two layers. Arrange strawberry halves decoratively around the edge. Top with the remaining strawberry mixture. Serve with any left over whipped cream you may have. Have your guests just dig in!