Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Tuna Flippin' Fish

I hate fish. Totally gross on so many different levels. Which makes me weird. Because you don't grow up on the coast of anything, and not like fish. Or shellfish, or even gummi fish. But I don't. I tolerate the gummi fish, but I am more of a gummi worm type person.

The weird thing is, I can eat tuna fish. Not in mammoth size portions or more than once a month, but Tuna and I do have a thing going. Today I decided the kiddos (who enjoy tuna, of course) should have tuna fish sandwiches for lunch. So I, being mother of the year for the eight year in a row, decided to make tuna fish sandwiches. I got out the can opener and started turning the handle.

Then it hit me. Why tuna fish in a can is the NASTIEST thing, ever. I wouldn't like tuna fresh from the ocean either, scaling and gutting are for people with nothing to do. I can think of 900 things I would like to do more, like peeling glue off my arm hairs. I get the can open and the stinky, grody, nasty fish slimy goodness is spilling all over my hand, into the sink. I felt my gagger swinging back and forth like a pendulum, and my innards lurched. It took everything in my amazing, well built body, (my story, my embellished descriptions) not to hurl. I finished squeezing all the puke water out of the can and dumped that pile of rankness into a bowl.

I mix it up for the kids, boil my stinky hand until it is sterile, and go about the day. Until lunchtime. I decide, the healthier option would be to eat the tuna without bread. I even thought about shoving it into a tomato, but slimy tomato +slimy tuna + globs of mayo = definite vomitication. (If that's a word)

I doctor it up a bit with onion and pickles. I get out the spoon and put a heaping spoonful into my trembling mouth. My stomach, tongue, taste buds all betrayed me. I sent that tuna flying so fast into the trash can, I should get an award. Tuna Yakker. I could be the talk of the tuna community. I compromised with the horrid little fish, and spread it onto a wrap, with lettuce, and extra pickle. Not the same as bread, but nowhere near as foul as tuna, from the bowl.

God I hate fish.

1 comment:

Chelsey said...

LMAO!! I love your stories!!! Addyson is looking at me like I am the weirdest thing ever cause I was bursting out laughing at the computer screen. gotta love nasty tuna it makes for a great story!