Wednesday, January 28, 2009

WTF Wed. #20

I had an appendectomy at 24, about 5 weeks after having Middle. I didn't feel good, almost like when you start to get the flu, and was just uncomfortable. The pain was very dull, annoying and all I wanted to do was cut whatever it was out with a butter knife. Why a butter knife, I have no clue, probably because I am freakishly medical like that.

I end up pleading with the husband to take me to the hospital. It was a few hours of craziness, and several huge WTF's, including the line "We'll just go in and take a look, and if it's your appendix, we'll take it out." You mean you are just gonna start hacking away and hope you find something good to take out? Frickin Cannibals. Trying to sell my liver on the black market or something.

After my surgery, I end up in recovery and awake to some grandma asking me if I want chap stick. Here I am, high as a kite, moving like an elephant on downers, have no clue where I am at, could have been in Guatemala for all I knew, and Grandma Nurse is wondering if I want chap stick? Give a girl some MAC lip glass, and a pedicure while you're offering. I guess my lips were super chapped. Whatever.

A few hours later, I'm all cozy in my bed, the husband is holding the baby and I remember I had been filleted like a fish. My brother had a huge scar on his lower abs, from his appendectomy as a teenager, so I was getting ready to check mine out. I shuffle my ugly hospital gown wearing self over to the bathroom door, and get ready to check. I open up the blue and pink sack I was wearing and look down.....

I see a set of bandages on the top of my belly button, which I think is weird, because last I checked the appendix isn't in the middle of one's abdomen, but then I notice another set of bandages to the left of my belly button.


They just started slicing, hit or miss style all over my stomach? And then, to add insult to injury, the husband says, "there's one underneath your belly button."

Are you for WTF reals?

I am a walking science experiment, if I drink water I am gonna leak like a sieve, I look like I was jumped by a bunch of knife swallowers from the dang circus. In modern day medicine and after having a balloon wand shoved up my hind end, yes they absolutely did, and a cat scan, you're telling me they had to dissect me like a fermented frog to find my appendix.

I started to cry, probably the anesthesia and drugs talking. Three scars. Not one battle scar. but THREE? Someone, somewhere hates me. Bye bye bikini, hello hunchback of Notre dame belly.

When the doctor came in later, the first thing I did was throw back the covers, open my gown and said "WHAT is this?" He laughed, because he though he was Dr. Comedian. He then tells me how they stick a camera in one section and the tools in the other, chop up the appendix like it is beef stroganoff and suck it out. Absolutely disgusting. And create a geometric pattern on my stomach. I was cheated out of a cool 3 inch scar and was given 3 one inch scars. That's not funny.

I have a scar for no other purpose but a camera. They could have at least given me pictures. Life's not fair.

1 comment:

Jacy said...

I have the same scars from having my gall bladder removed!!!