Here is my acceptance speech:
"Thank you, thank you. Hold the applause. Thank you Britney Spears, for being tonight's special speaker at the Crappy Mother's banquet. You know you've made it to the top when you don't have to submit qualifications any more, the mere mention of your name and they send the award your way.
I know I won it last week for laughing when one of my children lost it over not being able to sing Hannah Montana in the car at the top of her lungs. I then said it was not the end of the world. That was insensitive of me. I apologize.
On Monday, I swung one too high on the swings and she freaked. Her face is still frozen in pure terror. I should have asked if she wanted to swing high. That was rude. I apologize.
I made the other rewrite her journal, since it was not following the directions. I then misplaced the journal. She needs it back at school. I need to remember where I put things. I apologize.
One was playing the armpit tuba at dinner last night. It was obnoxious. One started messing with her food. I showed my extreme displeasure and threatened a dinner time shutdown. Then realized the one messing with her food was actually gagging. She had nectarine skin stuck in her throat. An eye watering, gaggy mess. I apologize.
Today, I got one to school. They get out early on Thursdays. I was walking out the door with the second, when it hit me, like a big, fat ton of ugly, broken bricks. She was late for school. She is supposed to be at school at 10:30 on Thursdays...and it was 10:45. And by the time I got there, she would be a half hour late for school. Who does that!?!?! Oh, yeah that's right, me. I felt like such the incompetent mother, walking my kid into the building, 28 minutes late. I smiled timidly and told the desk lady, "I'm sorry, I forgot it was Thursday, she's in kindergarten and we're late." Her judging eyes bore through my head and she said "Oh......well you do know you have to pick them up early, right?" I wanted to say
Yes lady, despite my amazing ability of incompetency this morning, on most days I do get it right. It may not be perfect, and I have momentary lapse in judgement, (most of the time regarding food and tv shows, not always my children), but I will be back to pick them up on time. At least before nightfall when the coyotes come out.
But I smiled and said "yes." And trotted my tardy child to class.
So I stand here accepting my crappy mother award. It is not my first, nor my last. At least my kids can rely on knowing that Mommy gets it wrong too.