Where are you Christmas?

Why can't I find you..... I went shopping on saturday. Despite my many attempts to be a little more prepared, it always seems to run away from me like a toddler in the toy department. I planned, bought and made my christmas cards before December. I made christmas cookies with the kids a week and a half ago. I bought many presents, wrapping papers and stocking stuffers. Yet I STILL have stuff to do. How does that happen? I am pretty much resolved that I will never have a golden turkey and chestnuts roasting on an open fire, at least not in the month of december.

I went into Kohl's on saturday, with my 3 kids and my nephew. Oh and my sister. We decide to take the gamble that we can get at least one cart in the store. We see a lady in line, with a double stroller cart. We politely ask as she comes to the door if she was finished and if we could have it. All of a sudden the sun fell from the sky, and darkness filled the store. " I WAS WAITING!!!" boomed a loud, schreechy female voice from the sky... and I, for a second, thought that wow, God really is a woman. I turned around and the Grinch was staring down at me. She was dressed in all green, about 5 inches past way too tall for a woman, which in other terms is about 6 foot something. She is breathing heavily, and I thought I saw her nostrils flare and a flicker of fire in her throat, but it could have just been the light. She snatches that cart out of the woman's hand like it was a Wii on clearance. She turns her grinchy self around and asks her 4, perhaps 5 year old and it's OLDER sibling who wants to ride.

Seriously? You didn't think the ladies with the 2 one year old kids needed the stroller? You didn't think that quite possibly your children who look like they were managing just fine to run around the store, needed something a little more sturdy than a double stroller? Like maybe a good pair of walking shoes and a lesson in how to behave, instead of using the stroller as a jail cell. She gave my sister a dirty look, and then stomped her Grinch self away. We had planned on looking around, shopping a bit. Instead, we carried the kids over and very quickly picked out a coffee maker for my sister's boyfriend. We left, and headed back home. Christmas just ain't fun if the grinch comes to steal your stroller away.

Kind of what I said....

I'm walking Middle to school this a.m. They had just put up a big screen, where the date, weather, events scroll along. Middle is reading it, and says "what is the F for?" I glance up and see it says 69 (insert degree symbol here, since I have no idea how to do that on the comp.)and then F. I tell her it means 69 degrees Fahrenheit. She starts jumping and hopping, and says to me so excitedly "OH YAY! I can't wait to go to Fairy Night!!!"

I had to deal the smile wiping blow that I had said Fahrenheit, not Fairy Night. Yeah try to ruin a kids day by telling them their school is not going to have a Fairy Night, just that Fahrenheit is a way to tell people about temperatures. She gave me the "You're such a fun sucker" face. Next time I am totally lying and we are going to have a fairy night. Fahrenheit is something that she can learn about in 6th grade. Who says learning's fun? Fun sucker learning.

Love this

I like all kinds of music... except for polka. Polka doesn't quite do it for me. Here are some videos that I love. The first one is Taylor Swift, who is just the cutest thing ever! Love her songs, her lyrics, love it! (Notice the overuse of the word "love". I lack in the vocabulary department. Anyways, at the ACM awards, she sang her song "Tim Mcgraw" and actually walked up to him while singing it. Adorable, is all I have to say. At the CMT's ( I know all these ABC's and EFG's are confusing) she won the horizon awards, and she said "This is the highlight of my senior year!" Yes, because she is still in high school.



The next one is Kellie Pickler. She was a contestant on American Idol, didn't win, but still went on to do her own thing. She has a bit of a story, which btw, is a requirement if you are going to be a country singer. So I guess the next time you are down on your luck, think positively: You can officially sing country music... if you can sing, I guess. Her mom abandoned her when she was 2, her dad was in jail, and her grandparents raised her. She wrote this song about her mom, which is basically about if her mom ever thinks about her and where she is. She sang this at the CMT's, and it was so powerful. Try not to cry, and pick her up and put her in your back pocket, and give her all that her sweet little heart wants.



And all is not lost. If you are thinking I am all about the Honky Tonk side of the music world, fear not. Here is one of my absolute favorite songs! Seriously. Well, both songs they show, but especially the second one. On this one, try not to laugh.



Love them all.

Well...you see...what had happened was......

so I haven't blogged in a minute. Or a week....maybe even a month. Ok, dagnabbit, it's been about 2........ months. So I treat my blog like I do diets, I do it for a minute and it fades away. The novelty wears off. Anyways, it's not like I stopped having something to say, that's for sure.

Can I tell you about how my 16 month old took my wedding rings and by a series of unfortunate events, one got put in the trash? Before you give me an hour long lecture about the symbolic importance of my rings and how could I allow them out of my clutches, just listen. I am one of those people who takes them off. Everyday. I don't sleep in them. On more than one occasion I have had diamond marks cut into my hand from sleeping on them. Such a problem to have, I know. I also take them off to cook, or other filty, disgusting things I do on a daily basis. Like clean. Keep it pure, people.

So on that fateful day, I had placed them on the ledge, next to the counter because we were making cookies. My warrior child climbed up the back of the couch and took them, without me knowing. So the next day, (yes I didn't notice for a day, I was busy. I know, sanctity of symbolic rings, lecture, blah) I asked the husband if he had seen them. I started to get this feeling, as if I should look for them as if she had took them. I don't like to convict a girl before evidence can be gathered, so I still wasn't blaming the little one. I look in her little play area, and low and behold, there was the big ring, With the big diamond, the expensive ring. Is that bad that I breathed a sigh of releif, knowing that if somehow the band was lost for good, at least I had the more expensive ring? The are both very sentimental, I treat them equally, I try to give both of them my undivided attention... Well, then the husband says he threw away some stuff over there the day before, and we both thought the same thing, that the ring was tossed as well. So, my hero, in all his trash picking glory, went out and dug through the trash, so well a raccoon would be jealous, and he found the band! (Once again is it bad that I wanted take a pic of him digging through the trash? I couldn't because the CF card was missing but that is a whole other story. I am so happy and thankful that we found it, and reallllly thankful she didn't swallow it. Obviously for her sake, and I think poop digging is way different that trash digging. The girl is banned from jewelry until she's 23.

The winner in the lost backpack category is:

Middle is in kindergarten. She has afternoon kindy, so I have to take Oldielocks in the am, and then mid morning I take Middle. Today was the same as any other day, getting ready to go, and she was supposed to be putting on her shoes and socks, and getting all her shidunkadunk together. I call her name once or twenty times. I go upstairs because we really need to leave, and this big, sad, gulping mess greets me with a wail.

"I can't *gulp* find *sniffle, gulp* my backpacccccccccccccck."

I go through my detective motions, do a quick scan and don't see it. I mean it's a bright aqua blue and green thing, it's not like it's a chameleon that blends in the the blue carpet or anything. Natural consequences are that we go to school without it, and find it later. I feel a mean mommy award coming on. I'll go get my speech ready. She VERY reluctantly gets her shoes on, grabs her lunchbox and folder, all the while wailing like McDonald's is going out of business or something. The entire bike ride to school, she is sobbing, rubbing her eyes. Abalone is looking at her like she has lost her dang mind, half trying to cry herself. I guess I will have a talk with the littlest about being a follower.

"I *wail* can't take this *gulp, wail, eye rub* anymoreeeeeeeeee!"

"What? Losing the backpack?" (I tried really hard not to laugh, because at this point, it is borderline laughable. The first 10 minutes, I felt sorry for the kid. Now I'm debating on putting her in a support group for backpack tragedies.)

"Yes, it's gone.... it's never gonna be there againnnnnnn, and I need a new oneeeeee." *sniffle, wail, gulp cry*

Seriously, I think this child needs a name change.. to perhaps... Drama QUEEN. She can take that name to a whole new level. I mentioned how it wasn't a big deal. Big Mistake!

"It is a BIG DEAL!! It's my backpackkkkkk! *sob* You don't have one, you don't know about backpacksssss. (Insert older sister's name) doesn't want me to have oneeeee. *Cry, cry, cry*"

I told her that her sister would help find it, since supposedly that's how it's missing, that she wouldn't los it on purpose, etc. We would find it, she could bring it tomorrow.

"It's missing! *gulp* "I want it today. *cry*"

I explained how she needed to stop crying, we were almost at school.

"I can't *sob* stop! My eyes won't let meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

This boo hooing continued as we walked up to the teacher, who is genuinely concerned about the sadness of my child. She asks if she's okay, and for a fleeting moment I thought it would be funny to respond with "Heck no she's not okay. Any kid who goes into self combustion over a backpack, and is having a meltdown of mammoth proportions is certainly not entitled to the label of "okay." I just smiled and explained about the backpack, and that she's taking it kind of rough. The teacher was very sweet and hugged Middle, and as I'm walking away, I hear Middle say "It's sad because it's *slight gulp* blue and lost." I watch her as she wipes her nose on her princess shirt and walks away.

Don't worry, seeing the Oscar on her mantle when she's ten will all be worth it... I think.

To the lady breastfeeding her child

Hi.
We were both at the same public, function, intended for kids. Kids and babies alike get hungry. I get that. I have 3 kids. They are all well-fed, and have been since the beginning. I mean, there are nights that they won't eat the filth we call chicken and rice or tacos, or the nights that we have the audacity to place a new pile of shlop on their plates, but for the most part, their basic needs are met.

Obviously your Little Tyke needed to eat. He was about 2, so one could assume you would bring a bag full of snacks. Not you, you brought out the breast. And while I sit here and point this out, let me reassure you that I have NOTHING against breastfeeding. Nothing against bottle feeding, whatever it takes to get the job done. However we could have totally done away with the huge wall of uncomfortable had you not let Little Tyke nurse, turn around, play, walk away, all with your chest bared in all it's natural glory. Just letting it hang there, like it was an accessory on your chest. I really felt bad for you, wondering if you had forgot about the lone ranger, out of it's holster. I even contemplated saying something, but your glances down and around, and picking him back up to "eat", cast a spell of awkward that I just couldn't break. Point blank it was gross. And while my chest might be a stunt double for a documentary about Aborigines, yours was twice as much. It wasn't pretty. And it's hard to keep an eye on my kids, with you sitting around with Flopsy hanging out. We had to leave, because I'm certain pretty soon it was going to be Mopsy's turn and my eyes had seen enough... for a really long time.

And natural or not, so is a birthday suit and doing the hippity dippity dance... I just don't want to see it. Not in public, not at a table, not yours.

And maybe, next time, brings some goldfish crackers.. or even the animal cracker crumbs in the bottom of your purse would suffice. And if that's too much..at least corral the pony when he's done. Thanks.

Have a nice day,
Lady with bleached out eyeballs.

Crappy Mommy Award

Here is my acceptance speech:

"Thank you, thank you. Hold the applause. Thank you Britney Spears, for being tonight's special speaker at the Crappy Mother's banquet. You know you've made it to the top when you don't have to submit qualifications any more, the mere mention of your name and they send the award your way.

I know I won it last week for laughing when one of my children lost it over not being able to sing Hannah Montana in the car at the top of her lungs. I then said it was not the end of the world. That was insensitive of me. I apologize.
On Monday, I swung one too high on the swings and she freaked. Her face is still frozen in pure terror. I should have asked if she wanted to swing high. That was rude. I apologize.
I made the other rewrite her journal, since it was not following the directions. I then misplaced the journal. She needs it back at school. I need to remember where I put things. I apologize.
One was playing the armpit tuba at dinner last night. It was obnoxious. One started messing with her food. I showed my extreme displeasure and threatened a dinner time shutdown. Then realized the one messing with her food was actually gagging. She had nectarine skin stuck in her throat. An eye watering, gaggy mess. I apologize.

Today, I got one to school. They get out early on Thursdays. I was walking out the door with the second, when it hit me, like a big, fat ton of ugly, broken bricks. She was late for school. She is supposed to be at school at 10:30 on Thursdays...and it was 10:45. And by the time I got there, she would be a half hour late for school. Who does that!?!?! Oh, yeah that's right, me. I felt like such the incompetent mother, walking my kid into the building, 28 minutes late. I smiled timidly and told the desk lady, "I'm sorry, I forgot it was Thursday, she's in kindergarten and we're late." Her judging eyes bore through my head and she said "Oh......well you do know you have to pick them up early, right?" I wanted to say

Yes lady, despite my amazing ability of incompetency this morning, on most days I do get it right. It may not be perfect, and I have momentary lapse in judgement, (most of the time regarding food and tv shows, not always my children), but I will be back to pick them up on time. At least before nightfall when the coyotes come out.

But I smiled and said "yes." And trotted my tardy child to class.

So I stand here accepting my crappy mother award. It is not my first, nor my last. At least my kids can rely on knowing that Mommy gets it wrong too.