It was the summer of '98, and I was a young 20 year old California girl. I went to meet/visit my hubby, who at the time, was simply my boyfriend. But I liked him a lot. A lot, A lot, a lot. The Midwest is a big shock to someone who travels include the west coast and the Rockies. I was half expecting the Ingalls family to take me back to their Little House on the Prairie when I stepped foot on Ohio soil.
Boyfriend (at the time) tells me he has to babysit. So we are gonna take the kiddo to COSI, which is a hands on science/fun learning center. My world revolved around little booger eaters,so I was all excited. He then mentions the kid is 12. OK, not so little, but we can deal.
We head over to his "other" parents house. The kind of people that are not blood related, but every meaning of the word family, especially since they don't have to be. We go inside and I meet the 12 year old. Um, WTF!?!?! In no time I am staring at the world's biggest 12 year old. He is way taller, and way round. Big big kid. He could step on me or sit on me and that would be it. Biggie sized for sure. We head to COSI and have tons o' fun.
We came back, and returned big kid and stayed for dinner. The food was awesome, we are just shoveling away, when I smell something. Not something good. The dirtiest rotten egg fart ever. I look up, kind of sly, shift my eyes to the left, the right, and everyone is munching away. Does no one smell that? I mean, I'm not gonna say anything, because obviously someone had to have done it, and it was BAD. I continue to eat, and then another wave of fart-nasty crashes over me. My mind is spinning with "who done it?" thoughts.
Is it dear boyfriend? *gag*
Is it mom who made scrumptious dinner? *no way*
Is it dad who is laughing and joking? *no way could he be silent about that....could he?*
Is it Big Kid? *who, as I glance over is kind of chuckling...*
It was really reekin, and I'm kind of getting the little tickle in my throat. Total giggle rising, because farts are funny, and well, no one is reacting. Well, Big Kid is looking around, trying not to laugh.
NO WAY! It's got to be Big Kid. Big Kid is farting like a mouse, giggling in his seat, while we are eating dinner. I was torn between busting out in a fit of laughter, or gagging on my pork de la stink chop. All the while huge Hiroshima stank bombs are being dropped, and everyone else is acting like they have lost their sense of smell. Either that or I have lost my damn mind. It is taking everything in me, not to cover my nose, or/and throw up. This is no normal booty trumpet being played. This is the real maggot gagger, skid mark maker deal.
Then, Big Kid looks at me, makes a face, wrinkles his nose and looks at me again.
Oh.my.god. He thinks it's me! He really does. How foul! I cannot believe this. No way is that little punk blowing holes in the Great wall of China, and then trying to pin it on me. I'm ten seconds away from sticking out my tongue and saying "whoever smelt it, dealt it." And praying to Buddha, Allah, Statue of Liberty that no one else, ESPECIALLY hot boyfriend thinks it is me. My ass would be sent packing, for sure.
All of a sudden, the mother of all raunchy, smelly, decomposing piles of hot cow manure and rotten egg dog farts filled the air. I swear my eyes watered and you could see it in the air. Sure enough, the mom says "Whoooo -insert beloved dog's name here- is that you? get out of here!"
WTF X 100!!! There is an animal under the table? You mean, this whole time, a DOG has been ruining the air quality?!?!?! Not Big Stinky Britches? Everyone starts grimacing and looking around. Then, to make matters worse, Big Kid is about to fall over in a fit of hilarious laughter, catches his breath and yells, "I thought it was YOU!!!!!!!!!"
Hilarious Big Kid. Simply Hilarious.